Happy (Late) New Year!

I wrote this post a month ago. Due to a very hectic month at work, as well as learning to use Adobe Illustrator, the drawings were not completed until tonight. I rushed some of them in order to make this even slightly relevant. So do me a favor and just pretend this was posted a month earlier.

Happy New Year, everyone! As everyone eases back into the soul-sucking grind of five day work weeks, I'm sure most everyone is also feeling the stifling oppression of overly optimistic New Year resolutions, and trying to come to terms with the fact that we will not be achieving half of our idealistic goals for 2011. That's a lot to swallow barely a week into the new year, but such is life.

Really? You're going to just nod your head and agree with that kind of pessimism? Have a little faith in yourself! We're not even a week into the new year, and you're already considering reneging on your resolutions? The cigarettes aren't going to hop out of your mouth and refuse to be smoked. That dream job isn't going to just land in your lap! I'm sure that new girlfriend will find you, as soon as she realizes how attractive taking bong hits off a table made of pizza boxes really is! And I'm sure you can melt that fat away through sheer desire without actually having to move your tubby ass off the couch. In an effort to help all of you through what I am sure is an eye-gougingly difficult struggle to make minor life adjustments, I will reveal to you to some normally privy information. I will reveal to you my resolution list. "But how is your resolution list going to help me?" you may ask. Well, after you see the difficulty of what I plan to unleash upon the world this year, your own resolutions will seem like easily surmountable trifles. So, without further ado, I present to you my resolutions for 2011.

1) Make molehills out of mountains
Everyone in their life has made mountains out of molehills. It is a common expression used to indicate that someone is being overly concerned with a minor issue, or blowing something out of proportion. I plan to make molehills out of mountains. I do not mean in a figurative sense. I am literally going to turn every mountain on earth into a giant molehill. Finally, all the world’s homeless moles will have a safe place to reside and raise their families in peace.

Happy Moles, floating above the non-existent floor of their very bland mountain home.

2) Raise public awareness of purple carrots.
This is a real thing. Carrots are not just orange and, in fact, come in a variety of colors. Thanks to the Dutch, orange carrots have had a hegemonic monopoly on public awareness. I purport that it is time to end the chromatic monotony. I want purple carrots in my salad. I want to dip white carrots in ranch. Who are the 18th century Dutch to decide everyone should eat only orange carrots? This totalitarian grip on our diet that orange carrots possess must end!

3) Perfect teleportation
Pop quiz: You find a genie lamp. You rub it, and out comes a genie. Because he went on a bender and is recovering from a wicked hangover, he only offers to grant you one wish.

So, yeah, you can only have one superpower. What do you choose? Trick question. If you chose anything other than teleportation, you are dumb, and the genie is really Lucifer and you’re condemned to eternal damnation in the lake of fire. Teleportation is by far the supreme super power. I could write pages on why, but simply contemplate on it for a short while, and you will see that I am correct. Want to fly? Put on a Wingsuit and teleport a few hundred feet in the air. A little low on cash? Teleport to a bank vault and back out. Legal troubles? What are they going to do, throw you in jail? Hah! I rest my case. If some of you remain unconvinced, perhaps I will dedicate an entire post to the awesomeness that is teleportation. I have had some limited success with teleportation. In fact, I teleported on New Years Day. I was simply at the bar, throwing back some drinks. Then, the next thing I knew, I was in my bed. The only flaw with my current method of teleportation is that it is typically not instant. If I can cut out the hours in the void between worlds and teleport instantly, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

One of my earliest teleportation attempts.

4) Fix the global financial crisis
Yes, I realize some of the greatest modern economic minds have failed to do this. You see, though, I have a master plan which cannot fail. The biggest problem facing the current global economy is the insolvency of banks, and the horrendous deficit the United States has found itself in. If we can simply pump enough true wealth back into the economy, we can recover. I do not mean printing money. That is worthless and only leads to inflation. What we need is a cheap source of exploitable labor.
This is where the molehills come in.
You see, the moles, now void of the distraction of obtaining reliable and steady shelter for them and their families, will have plenty of time for other preoccupations. The last thing we want are a bunch of moles with too much time and nothing productive to do. Next thing you know, they’ll be on every street corner trying to sell meth to your grandmother.

And everyone knows moles have the best shit.

In a mutually beneficial move, we can offer all the undesirable jobs to the moles. They may resent being stuck with such demeaning work without adequate pay, and we certainly don’t have the financial means to compensate the appropriately. Luckily for us, moles are blind. We can simply tell them we are paying them a lot. They won’t know the difference between a check for one cent and a check for a million dollars. Then, when they try and cash their checks, we can just pay them in the now out-of-fashion orange carrots. Moles love carrots. And then, if they ever catch on and revolt, and things go worst case scenario, I will simply teleport to an isolated location while the rest of you are subjected by the mole people. Hey, I tried!

5) Learn to dance
Nothing special here. I can’t dance.